The Psychology of Friendship: The Relationships That Support, Protect and Sustain Us
By Dr. Veronica Dumas, Psy.D., featured in Miami Shores Living Magazine
Published on 9/15/26
As a clinical psychologist and relationship expert, I have spent most of the last 25 years thinking about relationships: why we need them, what makes them work, how they impact us when they end, and what happens when meaningful connection is missing.
We often talk about marriages, romantic relationships, and families. However, we give considerably less attention to friendships. And yet, friendship is not just a pleasant addition to life. Meaningful social connection is deeply related to our psychological and physical well-being. Our friendships provide a sense of belonging, emotional support, and protection during difficult times. They also give different parts of ourselves, the space to exist, to flourish and to be understood.
I understand this clinically as well as personally. When I was 14, I walked into a school in New York City feeling completely like a fish out of water. I had just moved from Spain, and English was not my first language. I felt scared, lonely, and sad. And then I met Chiara, an Italian girl feeling many of the same emotions I was feeling. We quickly connected, discovering how remarkably similar our situations were. Over 40 years later, she continues being my best friend. But a friendship does not last forever automatically, we have both contributed to what it is today.
Friendships Require Commitment
In many ways, close friendship is more like a marriage than we actually acknowledge. We accept that marriage requires attention. Couples disagree, misunderstand each other, apologize, reconnect and change. Yet somehow we expect good friendships to simply work. But people change. Chiara and I are very different from the teenagers we were when we met between math and history class. Throughout the years, we've had misunderstandings, have had different views on things, needed space, and talked our way through difficult moments.
What has always remained is a commitment to the relationship. And because of this, at this point, she's family.
Healthy relationships are not necessarily those without ruptures. Often they're the ones in which people learn how to repair. These repairs are an excellent opportunity to push ourselves outside our comfort zone, be more open minded and in some cases learn to forgive.
Our Bouquet of Friends
Not every important friendship begins in childhood. We pick up friends along the way in every stage of our lives. I have made some of my most meaningful friendships in the last 22 years after moving to Miami Shores. I think of these relationships as a bouquet of flowers.
A beautiful bouquet isn't composed of identical flowers. Each adds something different, including the baby breath or greenery in the bouquet. In the same way, each friend contributes something unique to our lives.
There is the friend who makes us laugh, the one we call when life is falling apart, the intellectual one, the one who challenges us, the one we like to travel with, or the tennis partner. There is the one who knew us at 14, and the one who understands who we are becoming at 55.
No single flower needs to be the entire bouquet. And neither does our partner.
Our Partners Cannot Do It All
We place enormous expectations on romantic relationships. We expect one person to be our lover, best friend, confidant, intellectual companion, adventure partner, co-parent, and primary emotional support. That's an extraordinary burden to place on one human being.
I've always encouraged my husband to spend time with friends. There are things his friendships can give him that I cannot, just as there are things my friendships can give me that my marriage does not. That doesn't mean something is missing from our relationship. It means we're human beings and we need community.
When Friendships End
Not every flower remains in our bouquet forever. I've lost friendships too. There are people I have cared about deeply who for one reason or another, are no longer part of my life. And while those losses hurt, they are also incredible opportunities for growth.
We rarely acknowledge the grief associated with friendship endings. There's no funeral and often no ritual recognizing the loss. Yet their birthday arrives and you remember that once you would have called them. Your birthday comes and you notice that they didn't. Sometimes we don't stop caring for someone simply because we cannot be their friends.
Some friendships last a lifetime and others belong to a particular chapter in our lives. We can grief them, appreciate what they gave us and accept that they no longer belong in our lives.
Friendship As A Protective Factor
The importance of friendship isn't merely sentimental. Research shows that meaningful social relationships result in better mental and physical health, as well as greater resilience and healthier aging. On the contrary, chronic loneliness, and social isolation are associated with depression, cognitive decline, cardiovascular disease, and increased risk of premature mortality.
The decades-long Harvard Study of Adult Development has emphasized the following idea: the quality of our relationships is deeply connected to how well we live and how we age.
Connection Is A Protective Factor
Loneliness can exist, even when we are surrounded by people. Being alone and being lonely are not the same thing. Solitude can actually be restorative. Loneliness is a painful experience of not having the meaningful connections we need in our lives.
Fortunately, friendship isn't simply something we have or we don't have. It is something we can work on.
A Prescription For Friendship
Be intentional. Make a list of people you would like to know better. Friendships you want to deepen and people you've been meaning to reconnect with.
Make the first move. Call, send the text, suggest going to get a coffee together. Organize a dinner. Instead of “we should get together sometime”, suggest an actual date.
Create rituals. Schedule the monthly dinner, weekly walk or regular phone call. Friendships deserve space in our calendar.
Let yourself be known. Acquaintances become friends through vulnerability. The more we open up the closer we feel to people.
Be curious. Ask questions. Remember what somebody shared with you last time you spoke to them and follow up “I remember you had an appointment with a doctor, how did it go?”
Share ordinary life. Send the funny photograph. Share something that reminded you of them. Celebrate their successes. Call for no particular reason.
Repair when necessary. If the friendship matters, have an uncomfortable conversation. Listen, apologize if needed. Good friendships aren't conflict free, they are capable of repair.
Keep making new friends. We can never have too many friends. Join the class, the walking group, the book club or neighborhood event. And when you meet someone interesting, take the risk of extending the invitation.
At 14 I wasn't thinking about psychology when I started talking to an Italian girl who looked as lost as I did. Forty-one years later, I understand that we have remained friends because through marriages, children, careers, disagreements, and many versions of ourselves, we have continued to choose friendship.
If you find yourself struggling to navigate a major life transition, remember that you don't have to do it alone. At Baypoint Counseling Center, our team of psychologists and therapists helps adolescents, adults, couples, and families move through life's most challenging seasons with greater resilience, clarity, and hope.
About the author
Dr. Veronica Dumas is a licensed clinical psychologist practicing in the Miami area, she specializes in attachment, relational healing, and emotionally connected communication. Her work is informed by decades of clinical experience, advanced study in attachment theory, and the wisdom that comes from her own deeply personal journey of loss and growth. For more information visit www.baypointcounseling.com
