30 Lessons of 30 Years of Marriage: My Learnings as A Couple's Therapist And A Partner
By Dr. Veronica Dumas, Psy.D., featured in Miami Shores Living Magazine
Published on 9/12/25
My journey as a couple's therapist began in a serendipitous way over 25 years ago. As a clinical psychology practicum student, intern and post doctoral trainee, I would often volunteer to treat couples at the clinics, hospitals and counseling centers where I trained. I did it partly out of curiosity and partly because no one wanted to do it (you wonder why...?). I jumped at the opportunity and began to dive deep into the treatment of couples' issues. The most exciting part was taking everything I was learning professionally and applying it to my personal life.
Reflecting now on both my clinical experience and the ways I've implemented those insights into my own relationship, and having just celebrated my 30th anniversary, I would like to share the following tips;
1. Don't Catastrophize. Every relationship hits bumps. Most challenges can be overcome, but first, reframe them as bumps, not cliffs.
2. Work on Yourself. Your personal growth strengthens your relationship. Therapy, journaling, meditating, and self-care are key.
3. Practice Letting Go. Holding on to every annoyance or past grievance poisons the relationship. Let go, for your sake and theirs.
4. Appreciate your Partner Daily. Notice the small and big things, name them, and express gratitude.
5. Don't Communicate when Angry. Walk away, read, exercise, breath, then talk once you've calmed down.
6. Date Night. Make it weekly, simple, and fun.
7. Learn your Partner's Love Language. Is it gifts, words, acts of service, touch, time? Learn it and show up!
8. See a Couple's Therapist before its TOO late.They have the knowledge, the tools and expertise to help.
9. Respect Individual Stages. Each partner goes through personal challenges! Be patient! It may not be about you!
10. Learn and Explore Together. Try a new activity together. Learn, practice and grow.
11. Bring Newness Into the Relationship. Explore individual interests so you can share new parts of yourself.
12. Create Habits. A morning walk, or Sundays by the pool, routines bring connection and safety.
13. Learn Communication Tools. Take turns speaking, focus on one subject at a time, and repeat what you hear to ensure understanding.
14. Friendships Are Essential. Cultivate them both as a couple and individually.
15. Don't Expect One Person To Meet All Your Needs. It's unrealistic, no one can be everything for you.
16. Be Playful. Humor and lightness go a long way.
17. Avoid Thinking "I'm no longer in love". Reframe it as disconnection. Love evolves through stages.
18. Reinvent The Relationship When You Become A Parent. It needs to be redefined.
19. Crisis Opportunity. Use it to reflect, prioritize and make changes.
20. Accept The New Version Of Your Partner. We all grow, embrace change.
21. Take Care Of Yourself Physically. Be the best version of yourself for you and for your partner.
22. Prioritize Physical Connection. Build it into your weekly routine.
23. Understand Your Partner's Intimacy Needs. Physically and emotionally, ask, listen, and respond.
24. Bring CURIOSITY into the relationship. Ask questions, stay engaged.
25. Vulnerability Builds Connection. The more open you are, the deeper the bond.
26. Allow ALONE Time. During conflict, or just for personal space, time apart can be healthy.
27. Maintain RESPECT Above All. Physical and emotional respect are non-negotiable.
28. Don't Compete With your Partner. They are your teammate, not your rival.
29. Be Careful Who You Talk To About Your Relationship. Outsiders may not be objective.
30. Hug your Partner DAILY for 20 Seconds or More.
To couples just starting out: enjoy the puppy love stage, but get ahead of the game. To couples struggling, don't give up, as long as there is respect and willingness, things can improve.
To couples who have reached the stage of "mature love" congratulations! You are the relational masters of our society.
To those who have had to end their relationships for one reason or another, don't judge or punish yourself. You did the best you could! We are all learning and growing through challenges.
For more details on the above tips, please follow us on Instagram at Baypoint Counseling Center.
Key Takeaways
Effective communication, self-care, and understanding your partner's needs are essential for a healthy relationship. By focusing on personal growth, you can strengthen your bond and navigate challenges together.
Prioritizing connection through shared activities, date nights, and physical intimacy can help couples evolve and stay engaged over time. Embracing new stages and changes together keeps the relationship fresh and resilient.
Seeking professional support from a couples therapist is a proactive step, not a last resort. It can provide valuable tools and insights to overcome obstacles and build a stronger foundation for a lasting partnership.
Frequently Asked Questions:
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A couples therapist can be helpful when you feel disconnected, are stuck in repeating arguments, or are having trouble navigating major life changes. It is a proactive way to get tools and support for your relationship.
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Try active listening, taking turns to speak, and focusing on one topic at a time. Also, remember to take a break from the conversation if you feel angry, allowing yourself time to cool down before resuming the discussion.
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It is normal for the "puppy love" stage to evolve into a deeper, more mature love. This transition isn't about losing a spark but about reinventing and prioritizing your connection as your relationship grows.