Love That Lasts: Rituals and the Language of Connection

Every February 14th, flowers and red hearts appear everywhere and restaurants get filled with couples celebrating Valentine's Day. Independent of the commercial noise, lies something deeply human and psychologically healthy: our need to ritualize love.

As a clinical psychologist and couples therapist with over 25 years of experience and having been married myself for 30 years, I can confidently say that relationships do not survive on love alone. They survive with structure, intention, and meaningful rituals that are part of the ongoing breath of the relationship.

The Importance of Rituals In Relationships

From a psychological perspective, rituals serve three core functions:

1- Rituals create emotional safety, bringing predictability into a relationship. Our nervous system needs a constant reminder that we are in a safe relationship. Whether it is a nightly walk after dinner, a kiss goodnight, a weekly date night, or an annual celebration such as Valentine's Day, these rituals remind us that we have a stable bond.

For couples who have a sense of disconnection, or constant conflict, these rituals are opportunities to reconnect and repair. And for those who are navigating the external demands of life, and constant stress, such as difficult careers, parenting or other responsibilities, rituals carve out a special time to dedicate just to your partner.

2- Rituals turn love into action. Feelings of love can fluctuate, rituals keep things stable. Habitual acts that prioritize the relationship, make those difficult moments of disconnection more manageable. I often hear couples express that they know their partner loves them, but they don't feel it. A handwritten Valentine's card, expressing gratitude for a year of connection, can serve to enrich the sense of feeling loved in a relationship.

3- Rituals create shared meaning. Valentine's Day serves as a collective reminder that love deserves to be marked. When we take the time to honor our relationships and celebrate our connection as a society, we elevate the significance of connection. This Valentine's Day try to make it meaningful for both of you. Perhaps going to a restaurant is not your cup of tea, but a day at the beach with a special picnic prepared with love and intention can create a shared moment that honors your connection.

Cultivating Intentional Rituals In Everyday Life

I teach couples that the relationship lives in the SPACE that is shared by both of them. This relational space must be honored and cherished, being careful with what we put into it and how we treat it. The SPACE can be easily polluted with a negative tone, a critical comment, a frown, a sigh, rolling of the eyes, or even worse, an insult or lack of respect. On the other hand, it can be nourished with a compliment, a gentle caress, a small gesture of love, a humorous moment, or a long embrace.

An Appreciation a Day Keeps the Couples Therapist Away

Most couples seek therapy approximately 2.5 years after issues begin (Doherty, 2021), and sometimes it is too late. One of the ways to prevent this is by focusing on the things that you appreciate about your partner, and communicating it to them on a daily basis.

The ritual of daily appreciation improves the quality of the relationship. Communicate the following three things to your partner on a daily basis. Here are the steps:

Hold your partner's hand, look into their eyes and tell them you would like to give them an appreciation.

Complete this sentence: "What I really appreciate about you today is..." Complete this sentence: "The reason why I appreciate it so much is..." Complete this sentence: "The way it makes me feel is..."

Each partner does this once a day, not necessarily at the same time. The partner that receives the appreciation just listens and repeats back what they hear, taking in the appreciation.

This can be done between romantic partners, siblings, parent/child relationships, or even amongst colleagues with some modifications (no need to hold hands).

We Each Feel and Express Love Differently

So this Valentine's Day think of the ways in which you might express your love to your partner or to someone you care for in your life. Part of being connected is understanding the love language of your partner or loved one.

The five primary love languages are (Chapman, 1992):

• Words of affirmation- expressing your appreciation in a verbal way, such as with words of encouragement.

• Quality time- giving your undivided attention and presence.

• Acts of service- showing that you care through actions.

• Gifts- small or large symbols of thoughtfulness and effort.

• Physical touch- affection, closeness, and reassurance.

We typically give love in the way that we like to receive it. Pay close attention to your relationships and don't be afraid to ask your partner or loved ones which of the above makes them feel most loved by you. I often hear couples in therapy expecting their partners to just "know", but we frequently revert back to our old ways and forget how to show love in a language that is not our own. We need constant reminders.

This February, let's ritualize the expression of LOVE. Whether it is showing love to a partner, a friend or a family member, make sure there are rituals in your relationships. A weekly date night with your partner, a monthly coffee with a dear neighbor, a daily text with a sibling, or a yearly outing with college friends, make it intentional, and predictable. Watch the SPACE between you and others, and see how you can nourish it, with your words and actions. Use the appreciation ritual to elevate your connection with others. It's a gift to them, but an even greater one to yourself!

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